Daydream Delusion

Two questions I asked myself this Sunday afternoon.

1. Am I looking for a relationship?

The answer is maybe. Who isn’t? But I am the difficult sort that wants to be loved but not give anything back in return. I’ve been in and out so many times that, I just can’t escape this truth. Relationships are great, but in my case they just don’t last. And I hate breaking up, because I like my comfort zones a bit too much. Getting in is difficult, getting out is painful. And then when it happens, i.e. when somebody is breaking up with me, I remember the last time I broke up with someone, and how little I thought about her. I want to think that both of us are going through all this pain and everything, but hey its actually more like- I’m just glad its over.

The bigger problem is that every once in a while that all-important connection happens, and then I think I should make that attempt. I read somewhere that if there’s any kind of God it wouldn’t be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. That if there is some kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. And for people who suffer a delusion of this degree, it is almost impossible to succeed.

2. Will I get married anytime soon?

I see married people all around me, all the time. Sometimes I too want to be a good husband, share spaces and it feels really strong at times. But then at most other times the whole idea just feels really silly and that it would screw up my life entirely.

Someone who I recently met after a long time told me how in the early days of her arranged marriage they’d drink almost every other night so that the act of sex didn’t have to be rationalized. So that lust takes over, and after that it’s the libido. How they’d keep condoms all over the house, because the only planning they ever did in having sex was downing a few stiff ones. I know exactly how that feels. And I don’t want to feel that way ever.

Of course there is this bigger problem as well, because when I get married, there’s got to be love. And considering what I wrote in 1 above it is unlikely that it is happening anytime soon. I get extremely bored with nice simple uncomplicated caring people. Like in one date flat. There’s got be complication, which needs to be sorted out, or lived with- things that poke into my ambient self every once in a while, to remind me that I’m with this person because she’s special.

Parting Shot

I have this little theory about class. People either have it, or they don’t. Those who do, think very little of it. Those who don’t, attempt to acquire it by association. D is one of the more classy people I know, but she’s the unsocial sort and as a consequence always rubs people the wrong way because they just want to associate with her- everyone, people at work and otherwise, and she keeps pushing them away. And she often asks why it happens like that? And I tell her this is why. (As a corollary, I’m reasonably fond of D and hang out with her often. Does that make me a “not have”?)

P.S. Don’t ask what led to all this. Oh well, this was what happened anyway… Bumped into her at JATC this afternoon. She was wearing pink and looked stunning and was with a pretty faced guy- nattily dressed and everything. And I thought of what I probably looked like- skinny in my shorts and T-shirt, with my weekend stubble, hair all over the place. Eyes red and my skin sallow from last night’s alcohol. And it struck me in there that women like their men well hung, not hung over. After that the choice must’ve been obvious.

P.P.S. This thing about marriage is getting on my nerves. I guess there is no escaping it now- that I turn Thirty this year. The problem is that on a Sunday I can’t even say I’m busy. In terms of turnaround times, my parents are more demanding than my employer- and at work at least I am genuinely interested. Every time my parents call there’s little else to talk about, and that is so terrible.

Oh, and there was a Third one too, but forget it.