Saturday, January 27, 2007

Two or three things I know about her…

Juliette Janson: To define myself, one word: indifference.

That’s the name of a movie I saw yesterday. Who the word “her” refers to is debatable- but I think it is Paris, but it might just be the lead female character. It was a beautiful movie- dealing with the dip in collective morals of the Parisian society in the backdrop of the Gaullistic regime. I use the word “regime” here intentionally.

So, where have I been of late? I had thought of answering that question in detail but as I sat down to write, I realized that it was turning out to be boring and long-winded. To cut a long story short, I have been traveling- on work and leisure, and will write posts in detail of my long holiday in Thailand, but a bit later.

Last night, three of us, Buch (who has now moved back to India), Shukla and me sat down to consume huge quantities of alcohol from my stockpile. Now these are my best buddies from business school, but we hardly ever meet- mostly because Shukla is married, Buch engaged and hence there social drinking has different dimensions to mine. But since the ladies in question were out of town attending weddings, the evening culminated.

Inevitably the subject turned towards marriage- and not surprisingly everyone had their two bits to add. Shukla kept defending the institution, and while were not quite anti (Buch ties the knot in about two weeks), it made us think a lot. He kept saying that how two years back he would not have noticed the layer of dust atop my refrigerator, how he would not have noticed that my house has neither a microwave nor a washing machine. He would’ve just unleashed himself on the stockpile of alcohol at the bar. He said he was amazed how organized his life had become, how much more sensitive he was now, and how efficient he had become in utilizing his time at work and home.

Now my take on this was that, before you get married, you are not aware of any of these things- i.e. most benefits of the institution are realized post-facto. I hardly know of anyone who gets married for these reasons. I guess the reason why one does get married is to be able to have a degree of certainty of one’s companionship. Right now I know that I might get laid about once a month, get to cuddle up a bit more often, but then there is a huge sense of uncertainty associated with it. I mean there are times when I desperately need a hug, and there is no telling whether it will work out for me.

To come back home to someone, to cuddle up next to the same person every night, share spaces, and wake up next to the person every morning- that is the prime driver.

One should get married- most definitely. There are two parts to our life- the personal and the professional. The only way to have growth in my life is to take on additional responsibilities. At work every ladder you climb brings new responsibilities- it is a given. Then why should that corollary not apply to the personal life? I mean to a great extent the urge to excel in a career has to stem from a desire to have a good personal life otherwise. Unless I assume responsibilities by building things around me, how do I grow as an individual? I mean I am an insensitive, indifferent, ponderous alcoholic of 30. Unless I do something about it I remain the same at 35, then 40, and so on. And at that age how do I justify waking up every morning and dragging myself to work, when presumably you have enough money in the bank to last your lifetime. How???

I went house hunting yesterday, after Trips became the 17th woman to tell me that unless I changed houses I wouldn’t get married. Its not as if I want to get married, but if and when I am 40 and probably lonely, I wouldn’t want to look back and realize that this was the reason.

Been listening to some really good music on my recently acquired I-pod nano. Traveling to work has never been quite as nice. Picked up some really good stuff from flea markets across south-east Asia. For instance an anniversary edition of Alanis Morrisettte’s Jagged Little Pill- all acoustic. Watching good movies, seeing new places. Only thing that is lacking is that I’m not reading too many books. Will take care of that soon.

Current favourite song- Rod Stewart’s “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
Blue for the tears, black for the nights fears.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Shifting into a better house is very much achievable for you but marriage is unachievable.