Wednesday, November 08, 2006

What is the bloody point...

Sunday evening it rained. After the hot, sultry excesses of October complicated by consumption of unusual amounts of alcohol on Friday night, the sudden clouding of the skies and the outburst that followed was more than welcome.

Then the evening out with D, that long conversation- at CCD, Boat, Bandstand (night time high tide is awesome, I concluded) and then home- deep into the night. She spoke and I pleaded guilty as charged.

I guess my life closely resembles a bad case of the random walk theory. Wake up each morning, get to office, work, work, work. Evenings out, mostly alone, mostly very late, and no dinner afterwards, otherwise with inconsequential company, the rare date with D, while dealing with baseless speculations of my active social (or dating scene) life. Ahh!!!

There is absolutely no plan, no plot, not even a little desire to set things up in my life. While most people I once thought I knew go about finding nice houses to life in, drive around in fancy cars, get married, I continue ageing, rotting, turning alcoholic, wasting away arguably the best years of my life- just a constant unending drift.

As someone I particularly dislike told me recently- there is no particular reason why anyone would want to hang out with me. All that I have on offer is the ability to consume large quantities of alcohol, an irrational social budget, boring unlimited funda on music, and then when I’m high, on most other things. So, why?

According to D, all this stems from the huge sense of comfort that I seem to be in with most things in life. Most things in my life essentially means work- and the thoughts of it which occupy my mind for most waking hours. I think spending over five years with the same employer does that to you. There is a huge sense of comfort, that misconception that you are the BSD on the trading floor, that comfort which comes from doing the same things, with the same people, the absolute familiarity with the circumstances, and all that.

In the conversation that followed, she stated my repeated dissatisfaction with various things- the smelly cabs of Bombay, the peeling walls of my house, the random stresses at work, the lousy food that passes for dinner- when I end up having it, the thick veil of seclusion which covers almost everything I do and finally, the fact that I still talk to and about someone I dated long ago and who now stays in the western hemisphere, and is planning babies. Everything that I can help resolve if I engage myself, and the fact that I haven’t done anything about in the last many months.

I began wondering, when was the last time I did something new in my life, when was the first time I met someone new outside of work, and who remotely interested me. Can’t even remember, however hard I try.

And she asked- why? Why is it so difficult to uproot myself, to shift bases, start life afresh. And if things are so doomed, why not get married? Why not, T.O.? Why not?

Actually, the good part of all this is realizing that even though I remain oblivious to these issues, someone is doing the thinking. But then it doesn’t matter since all that needs to be done has to be done by me.


dazedandconfused said...

you never said what happened to those sailing classes...

shikha said...

the good part is that you realise that your life is rotting and i "think" from your post its apparent that you dont like the way its going:)

So boy..change it then:)